One of America’s greatest heroes has fallen today. Inventor of Doritos, Arch West (what a great fucking name!), has died at the age of 97. Back when I was reppin’ childhood obesity before it became A Thing, I loved putting Cool Ranch Doritos in my fried bologna sandwiches. And for years me and CRD were inseparable up until I discovered these:

Spicy yet subtly tempered with a hint of sweetness! I haven’t had these in a while though, and since MyFitnessPal says I only have 306 calories left to consume for the rest of the day, Doritos and I are on an indefinite hiatus.

Still, I’d like to thank Mr. West for allowing me to discover an oft misunderstood world - the world of Fake Cheeses. I hate all kinds of real cheese except for melted mozzarella. However, I loooove fake cheeses like the “cheese” in Doritos, Handi-Snacks and Combos. Maybe it’s a texture thing. Maybe it’s because these highly processed snack foods do not have molds in them nor do they smell like bellybuttons on a hot summer’s day. Maybe I am just programmed to like disgusting things. I don’t know. I do know there is a whole list of Dorito flavors I’ve yet to sample and I promise ol’ Arch I will spill a little in his honor (into my mouth and not onto the ground).