For the past few days my lips have been so chapped they’ve started to crack open, particularly the left corner. I guess when I put chapstick on I tend to forget the corners so the left corner got so dried out, it split open and now looks like a tiny butt crack on my mouth. This crack keeps reopening b/c I wear a retainer, like the sexy 32 year old I am, and every time I remove it and put it back in, the crack gapes open and stings like a sumbitch.

The solution is not chapstick. The solution is Aquaphor which is also handy for those who have bearded boyfriends and sensitive skin around their mouths. I applied a generous heaping of this stuff on and around my lips and it looks like thick, goopey wet boogers but who cares. Mehmet cannot see me through the television.

Cut to a half hour later and I ate a bag of Trader Joe’s 100 Calorie Pack Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies. Have you eaten these? Aren’t they fantastic??? Yes, more waste for the planet b/c I can’t control my portions like the greedy American that I am. I’m so greedy that I always tilt the bag at the end to catch any stray crumbs and chocolate bits that might’ve escaped my feed trap.

Cut to a half hour after that when I picked up a mirror to tweeze my ‘stache (see above: sexy) and I almost dropped the mirror b/c I suddenly had about a dozen mini scabs ALL OVER MY MOUTH. What kind of disease is this?! Is it contagious and what jerk can I give it to? DON’T LOOK AT ME I’M HIDEOUSSS.

Of course, it was just chocolate crumbs that stuck onto my mouth w/the help of some Aquaphor. Why they don’t warn you about this happening on the back of the Aquaphor tube, I don’t know.